Olna Writing Sample Quiz (prompt 1, 65 mins)

Write about a personally significant memory                                          

HERE IS A SAMPLE OF A STUDENT’S RESPONSE – Cat 2

Waiting for the Fireworks

 

The silence of the room made me relaxed. I appreciated my gallery of my fantastic countryside holiday in my grandma’s town. The sunshine shone through the window just like God’s hand touch you warmly. An innocess boy waved a stick fireworks with happy face. When I saw this photography, I felt complex emotions as you heard both good and bad news.

 

I was in courtyside during winter holiday time which was Chinese New Year time. I had lots of fun with my grandy.  I was the happiest boy in Chinese New Year Eve.  The sun coverged from dazzling lights into a golden disc.  The cloudless blue sky was getting darker like  a lake was getting deepring.  I sat in the yard and watched the sky.  I thought about the most beautiful thing that can decorate our sky – fireworks.  My affable grandma touched my head gentally and said softly: “My grandson, I know what you’re thinking about! I’ll go to the central market and grab some of them for you, won’t be long!”

 

I was so happy that I jumped three feet high.  There was a smellful flower in my heart.  I felt my blood were waving.  Everything smelled to me.  I stared my grandma at the end of pathway.  She kept pedding her small but delicate tricycle.  She just liked a warrior to fight with monsters and get crystals.

 

There was no way to stop the flight of time.  The clean and white moon lights speared onto the way.  I stood beside the road and waited for my kind angel with shining halo.  I was so worried just like the ant on a hot pot.  Finely, I saw a short shadow I ran towards to her and yelled.  She pointed fireworks that in the wagon and gave me a cheerful smell.  We hugged with each other with the soft moon lights.

 

She took the picture I played when I played with sticks fireworks. Perhaps, this was the sweet innocess of youth.  I was touched by grandma’s actions.

(338)

STUDENT SAMPLE – CATEGORY 2

Write about a personally significant memory-Waiting for the Fireworks

Marking Key

This very thoughtful recount of a personally significant memory effectively establishes a setting and creates credible characters. The narrator has used and experimented with a range of imagery to recreate the feelings of anticipation surrounding the event. Problems with verb tense, use of the definite article and the misspelling of some words make reading the recount difficult, but the sequencing of events and the use of imagery are strengths.

Audience: the response addresses the prompt effectively using a personally significant memory of a holiday in China. Mark 3/4

Structure: the organisation is sophisticated, using a flashback to begin the piece. Each stage of the narrative is logical. Mark 2/3

Vocabulary: uses a mixture of descriptive and familiar words and mixes formal with informal language, possibly due to English being a second language. Attempts to use sophisticated vocabulary to describe emotions. Mark 2/4

Cohesion: cohesion could be improved if the subject were introduced in sentences first, rather than the verb clause. Mark 2/3

Sentence Structure: verb subject agreement in relation to plural and singular cases is sometimes incorrect and inconsistent. Definite article ‘the’ was sometimes missing, along with prepositions, e.g. ‘of’. Mark 2/4

Punctuation: commas, capitals and contractions mostly used correctly. Sometimes used run on sentences. Punctuation of speech is OK, but commas sometimes used incorrectly. Mark 3/4

Spelling: variable-possibly due to not being tuned into the sounds (especially syllables) innocess, (innocent) and deepring (deepening) are examples. Mark 2/4

Total 16/26 – unlikely to meet the standard.

Here is an edited version of the story which would meet the standard.

Waiting For the Fireworks:  a personal memory

 

The silence of the room was relaxing.  I scrolled through my ipod gallery remembering our last China holiday in my grandma’s village  I paused on the picture of an innocent, happy boy waving a stick of fireworks.  When I saw this photograph, I felt complex emotions; all to do with the loss of and love for my Grandma.

 

I was in my grandmother’s home in the Chinese countryside for our winter holiday during Chinese New Year. I had lots of fun with my ‘grandy’. I was the happiest boy in the village that Chinese New Year Eve. I remember that the sun converged from dazzling lights into a golden disc. The cloudless blue sky got darker. I sat in the yard and watched the sky. I thought about the most beautiful thing that could decorate that sky – fireworks. My dear grandma reading my thoughts, touched my head gently and said, “My grandson, I’ll go to the central market and buy some fireworks for you, I won’t be long!”

 

I was so happy that I jumped three feet high. There was a perfumed flower in my heart. I felt as if my blood was waving. Everything smelled wonderful to me. I watched my grandma to the end of  the pathway. She peddled her small bicycle with its wagon attached like a warrior going off to fight with monsters in a quest to get the crystals.

 

There was no way to stop the flight of time. The clean, white moonlight rose into the sky. I stood beside the road and waited for the return of my kind angel with her shining halo. Finally, I saw a short shadow. I ran towards her and yelled. She pointed to the fireworks in the wagon and gave me a cheerful smile. We hugged with each other in the moonlight.

 

She took the picture as I played with the sticks of fireworks. Perhaps, it was the sweet innocence of youth, but I was deeply touched by my grandma’s actions.